How to apologize well – Three Ways to Rebuild Trust
How to apologize well
…three ways to rebuild trust
I’m walking through how to make an effective apology in order to restore a broken relationship. We are imagining that I have betrayed you, my reader, and asking; What do you need from me to set things right?
Today I'm looking at how to rebuild trust. Here are four things I bet you want to see from me.
You want me to:
Admit the Offense
Express Sorrow
Ask for forgiveness
Rebuild Trust
Track back to read the posts on each of these points.
How to rebuild trust:
Ask what is needed for you to rebuild trust
In bridge terms, ask what kind of bridge the other party needs for you to build; a rope bridge, a covered bridge or a super structure with lights and video cameras. It’s important to agree on the bridge that needs building. It should be fair to both people.
Some people ask for a super structure when only a rope bridge is necessary. They are hurt and unreasonable. Others ask for a super structure with no intention of ever crossing the bridge. They just want to punish you. And some act like trust is no big deal but they are in denial. They are afraid to admit that trust needs rebuilding. So before you launch into a ten-year reconstruction project make sure you both sign off on the project.
Follow through on what you committed to do
Up to now it’s been all words.
If you don’t follow through then your words are a joke and they will make things worse for you.
Give the time and space needed to trust you again
Trust takes time. Don’t try to force it from the other person by manipulating them with guilt and intimidation. And everyone is different. People build trust on their own timetable. If you pressure someone to forgive you and reconcile it will only slow down the process.
If you are careful to take all the right steps in the apology process, then at some point in time the bridge of trust will be built. At that time the responsibility shifts from you to your friend. They will have to decide if they are willing to walk across the bridge and resume the intimacy of your relationship.
But you are fully at their mercy.
Sometimes people choose not to cross the bridge out of hurt, anger or fear. You should know that and be mentally prepared for that otherwise you will put too much pressure on them.
no cutting corners
Now, the temptation on all four of these points is to cut corners. Like I've said, people rarely understand the depth of how much hurt they caused and so they are quick to pick up with the relationship before trust has been built. But if you really want to restore the relationship…you generally need to do more not less.
This all takes great amounts of humility, patience and self-control. But here’s the good news. God wants to give you whatever you need to make things right. So just keep talking to God and asking him for help to rebuild trust. He will give you what you need.
Reconciliation is worth it. Do what it takes. Spend the time and the energy. You’ll be glad you did.
If you found this helpful please “share the knowledge” with the links below.
Question: What do YOU need people to do to rebuild your trust?
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